Hope
hope: verb
to want something to happen and have some reason to believe that it will or might happen
When did I lose hope? Did I ever have hope? What was I even hoping for?
I’ve been dealing with some serious bouts of depression since my first post. I feel lost, and alone — isolated.
I read where counselling might help, but I can’t really afford to pay someone to listen to my problems, worries and fears. So as my friends have stated, perhaps I’ll find my therapy here.
I have this hole in my soul. I think one of many missing elements in my life, is hope. When you have hope, you have a foundation for the rest of your soul. Hope is the light-switch of your soul. With it comes love, happiness, satisfaction, and of course, without it you feel empty, alone, unhappy, unsatisfied — depressed.
The first question I asked is, when did I lose hope? I think, I lost hope when my daughter moved out of my home, got pregnant and married at 18. I saw her bright future dim as I helplessly watched her throw what was left her childhood away. I know that sounded very doom-and-gloomish and I don’t mean for it to. I had just hoped to provide her with a happier childhood, one that she wouldn’t have been so anxious to leave right away. Instead I repeated the same mistakes my parents made. Not once but TWICE!! I was so involved with myself, I forgot what was important.
The second question was, did I ever have hope? The short answer — Yes, as explained above. What I didn’t realize was, we are hope. We are the hope of our parents, of the future. Hope fails us when we pin all that we are, all that we expect to be, on our children. I know that is a simplistic view. Hope is more complicated than that, otherwise what would childless people have for hope? Perhaps subconciously, they place their hope in the children of others, without the emotional investment that devastates us when we lose it.
My last question, what was I hoping for? My first response is “I don’t know”. But that isn’t true. My answer is so complicated that “I don’t know” is easier to say. I wasn’t hoping for just one thing, I was hoping for many many things…and by fulfilling the expectations of those “hopes” the cumulative answer would have been pride, love, joy, satisfaction, in my life, my accomplishments and in my child, the products of my life.
Please don’t misconstrue my words, I do have pride in my child and immense love in my child. The flaw, and it’s a flaw with me, is that the pride is haunted by disappointment. Disappointment in my failures.
I found your blog through bakaitis.com and am sorry to hear you’re in the deep hole of depression and without the means to fix it. May I suggest joining a group… sailing? knitting? book club? church of your spiritual affinity? something that meets fairly regularly, includes conversation and interaction and allows for a community to build. I’m a personal fan of the Unitarian Universalists around town. very welcoming and there for unconditional love when you need it.
because we all need it.
Thanks Sarah, I appreciate the words of support and empathy you express, but it’s a bit more than a group or even a therapist can handle.
I do belong to a knitting group…but they don’t knit much here in the south, so I end observing human nature doing what it does best…stirring drama through gossip.
Spiritual fellowship such as the UU leaves me flat too, though I do know I’m seeking something.
Ultimately my depression is probably a chemical imbalance called aging :D.
Gods I hope age isn t a chemical imbalance. I m older than you are, and I m not ready to throw in the towel. Maybe you just need to find the right group, Sandra. It sounds like you need to get wrapped up in a group so you could lift yourself out of your funk.
John, I am in a state of depression. That I readily admit, what is misleading is the depth of that depression. When I originally wrote this entry, I was at my deepest (height sounds too optimistic).
I probably should join some group, but which? I don’t really know. I’m exploring different ones here and there. Plus I’ve started attending church more and there is some comfort there, but it’s fleeting.
Thank you for you words of encouragement. It is appreciated, though I’m not sure how we know each other of if maybe I’m just some randomness the net generated for you. Either way thank you.
As far as a message on SF, I don’t mean to sound dumb but what is and where is SF?.
Yeah this is a silly blog, but I appreciate you taking it seriously
OMG I just realized what SF was
- SF/V3? heh…Hi John. Now your comments mean a lot more to me not that they meant less to begin with *hugs*
Sorry, I didn t mean to sound so mysterious, but yeah SF/V3 is right. Hugs among other things to you as well. I was just meaning for you to find what I ve been searching for since, no that s not quite right, not since, should be for a long, long time. Just don t do something foolish. I know it may not be the same, but when I lost my fiance~, it took years before I stopped trying to think of a way I could join her. I know it sounds conceited, but life must go on.
If a cat has 9 lives, I don t know how I should live my life anymore. I m on -8, probably 11 of those should have put me on the other side. Instead I m still here. Starting to rebuild, without going in the same old ruts/paths that were pointing at different points of the same destiny